Painful Memories

 

      After noticing somewhat consistent discomfort when Jacob's right hip was being moved, I took him to our paediatrician yesterday.  Thankfully Breanne had a PA day, so she came along.  After the doctor examined him, it was decided to have some x-rays taken of his hip and femur.  He informed me that it can happen when kids never bear weight on their legs, that their bones can become brittle :(  Dr. Kerr wanted to make sure that he doesn't have a fracture. 

     I presumed we were heading to the London Hospital, seeing that's where we have always gone for every test in the past.  Thankfully something came out in our conversation that we could go to the St Thomas hospital.  It sure made life much easier regarding distance.  The hospital is only a scant 10 minutes from the Doctors office.

     Suddenly it occurred to me - am I ready to step foot in that hospital, seeing that's where our journey began with Jacob?

     Providentially Breanne came with, or it would have been even harder on me. 

St Thomas Hospital

      I drove into the parking lot, almost parked in the exact same spot that we parked in when I was in labour with Jacob - oblivious of the path we would be called to walk in just a few short hours.

     I walked into the hospital yesterday, through the same doors that we travelled through almost 22 months ago.  Soon to be dealing with the reality that our son was 'not behaving.' 

Our first sight of Jacob

     Yesterday, we went in the same elevator that the transfer team took our little boy away in, when he was just 4 hours old. Those closing doors - doors separating our little suffering, yet so sedated, bundle and us. Then the wait! That wait to find out what was happening with Jacob and Paul and I. 

The transfer team with Jacob in the elevator

     I had to register Jacob at the client services department before we could get his x-rays yesterday. Another painful memory!  Memories came floating past.  One riveted in my mind. I had to go to client services to preregister for Jacob's birth several weeks before he was born. Considering he was our fourth, it was kind of old hat. One question that the nurse asked me in that registration was, 'do you know if you are having a boy or girl?' We never wanted to find out, so I matter of factly said, ‘No, and to us it doesn't really matter, as long as the baby is healthy.' Healthy - how that word has taken on a different meaning.

     After the x-rays, I walked down the same hallway and doors that I got wheeled out on a stretcher on the way to London, to at least be in the same hospital with our son. Thankful that I was finally on the way, yet,  apprehensive as to what we were going to face. As the creaky OLD transfer van neared the London hospital, my thoughts raced as to what the outcome of this boy hooked up to all the machines would be. How can I do this? Is this really happening, or is this a dream?

      Reflecting on those thoughts that I pondered many months ago, I realize that indeed the way has been tough.  Tough beyond words.  Yet...we have been upheld to this very moment.  Yes, sinking in the waves at times (many times) yet during the toughest times, having so much peace and contentment with God's path.  He knows best, and His plan is perfect.  I still sometimes look intently at Jacob in amazement that we have been given a special needs child.  At times, it still feels unbelievable.